How happy are you?

On a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you?

As part of growning older, we start to discover what is at the root of our happiness - why oh why does it take so blooming long. I guess this is one of our main lessons on our journey through life, discovering the real cause of our happiness, breaking through the material layers, the dogma and the hype of the media.

According to Movement for Happiness, when they look at what causes difference in happiness between individuals and societies, seven main factors emerge:

• Relationships at home
• Relationships at work (and if you have work)
• Relationships in the community
• Health (especially mental health)
• Personal values (philosophy of life)
• Personal freedom (and the laws of your land)
• Income

Relationships are at the top of our happiness requirements and they say a key element of any relationship is trust. Most trusting people are happier but in the UK and US our trust in other people has dropped from 60% to 30% in the last 50 years. This is a result of us becoming more competitive as individuals. On our journey to wealth creation we have lost solidarity and fellow-feeling which are crucial to the enjoyment of life.

I can relate to this directly and strangley enough since moving from South Africa to the UK, a safer and more stable country, I have less trust in people. Now this could be caused by getting older and more cynical or my own unique life experiences, I don't know, but it's something I have become aware of and am working on. I like trusting people; it's so much simpler than trying to mind read every person I come in contact with.

Health is another interesting one "In Britain, mental illness accounts for nearly half of all disability, and depression interferes with ordinary life 50% more than common chronic physical illnesses like arthritis, angina, asthma and diabetes. Within Britain a record of mental health explains more of today’s misery than is explained by family poverty." When are governments going to wake up to this, is it just not sexy enough to have on their agenda? Why are so many people, including children, suffering from depression and other debilitating mental health problems?

It is my belief, as it is of many others, that most illnesses begin in the mind and are caused by the pressures of the society in which we live. This belief comes from my personal experience, training and research. Since begining work on my own mental well being and quesioning the root cause of an illness, I am usually able to trace it back to a situation or event that triggered it. The more serious the illness, the more seriously the situation is impacting on my happiness. When I deal with the situation and get happier, the illness begins to receed. Fortunately I have not manifested any illnesses that have any long term effect on my health or my mortality. When I’m happy, I’m healthy. This is my belief and it works for me, I'm not trying to make light of anyones physical illnesses, they are very real no matter what caused them.

Personal values. "A person’s philosophy of life is also crucial. People are happier who care more about the happiness of others, while people who constantly compare themselves with others are less happy." Personally I'd add to this "people who are happier care more about the happiness of others......"

Personal freedom. "But perhaps the most important single cultural variable is the extent of personal freedom and the rule of law." Just the word is like a breath of fresh air - freeeeedom (I feel a Braveheart moment coming on). While I totally agree with the definition from the Movement for Happiness, it is a bit too global for me. From a personal perspective, freedom means happiness. Freedom from guilt, anger and especially FEAR and all of the other old emotions and experiences that held me back. Free to move forward in my own way on my own path, underpinned by my personal values. Free from the constrictions I have allowed society and my history to place on me. Free to break the mould to live a happy and meaningful life. Free to choose to be brave.

Actually, I have all of that already. I live in a country where the laws support my freedom of choice; the rest is up to me. I am one of the lucky ones.

Which brings us to the last one - Income: "People want to become richer. In every single society richer people are on average happier than poorer people, and individuals become happier when they become richer (other things equal). But what is true of the individual is not true of the society. Over time our societies have not become happier as they have become richer.

There is a simple explanation of this paradox (sometimes called the Easterlin paradox). It is that individuals are comparing their income with the incomes of others around them. As one person in a society becomes richer, so do most others. The relative income of the typical individual cannot change, and, as incomes rise, so the typical individual becomes no happier.

He has engaged in a rat-race in which for every winner there is a loser. It is a zero-sum game. A society which tries to increase happiness through wealth-creation is doomed to frustration. The way to increase happiness is through positive-sum activities – that is, through harmonious, co-operative relationships. "

They go on to say that “as individuals, we should clearly choose work, which we believe to benefit others – if it raises the bottom line but brings no serious benefits to society, we should not do it. And we should not by overwork impair the quality of our domestic life. In our private lives we should take into account all those whose happiness we affect. A good word to describe this aspiration is “harmony”, since it brings out the fact that all parties gain, including ourselves"

So how much income do we need? I suppose that depends on where you find your happiness.

This took me a long time to learn and I did so the hard way. 7 years ago I earned 30% more than I do now but I not only held a senior position in a company in London, I was also a partner in a growing business in South Africa and Australia. My family had a lot of material stuff but my marriage was toxic. I had few non-work friends, no interests outside of work and I was desperatley unhappy. So I worked harder.

When the hamster wheel started spinning out of control, I fell off and the whole house of cards came tumbling down. It was horrible, but it was cleansing.

I learned what I could from my experiences and started rebuilding my life with new sustainable and ecological goals. There was a really difficult time of adjustment emotionally, materially and mentally but I am now 100% happier. By choosing to take a career step backwards and simplify my life, I have less work responsibilities. This enables more time, and heart space, to nurture my personal relationships, build more friendships with people who share my values and beliefs and learn new skills which are in line with my long term work aspirations. This has all lead to better mental and therfore physical health and more happiness energy to continue with my plans.

I still have a way to go to reach my ultimate goal of living a harmonious and happy life all of the time, but just moving in that direction every day is motivating and fulfilling. My mantra "I deserve happiness, we all deserve happiness" keeps me focused and makes me brave.

So how happy are you and what is it that makes you really happy?

All quotes are from Movement for Happiness which is being launched by Lord Richard Layard, a professor at the London School of Economics with Anthony Seldon and Geoff Mulgan. For more information see movementforhappiness.org

Introducing Barbara

"I am a Coach at the BBC, among other things, and want to use the remaining third of my life to do something transformational in the world, but I just don't know quite what, yet!" Barbara

Dear friends I'd like to introduce Barabara to you. I first met Barbara when we came to England in 1999, my goodness, over ten years ago. She offered me a job and we worked together for over 5 years. Those were the crazy years of the dot com boom and bust and we lived and worked through some interesting times. Barbara became the Managing Director of one of the largest IT training companies in the country with a huge staff compliment and an enormous turnover. Believe me it was a big job that required super human dedication and commitment as the company went through the turmoil of change. On top of that she had to balance her work with a much loved growing family.

She went on from there to senior positions with ITN and then the BBC where she found a new direction.One of the things I love about Barbara is she manages to do it all with intelligence, compassion and a great sense of humour and reality.

Barbara is not only a successful business woman though, she's a warm, fun and passionate woman. She stayed a friend through my "confused years" post divorce. I was lost, but she believed that I was still there inside my mixed up head and would re-emerge one day. She made me laugh and not take myself too seriously. No matter how daft my ideas sounded, she encouraged me with stories of dafter things she'd done. She has a storehouse of stories. Perhaps we can encourage her now to tell us more about her journey so far because it's really quite inspirational. Please take a couple of minutes and say hello to Barbara.

Please send me your pics and words so that I can introduce you to everyone else and if you would like to share a story, please do so here.

With much love xxxx

.

Where does time go?

Thank you for joining in with your comments, it's so wonderful to hear from you all - this party is getting started! I know some of you are struggling to add comments, I've changed the settings so it might be easier. It would be great if you could each email a photo and a little bit of blurb about yourself and I'll put it up in this big box so you can all meet properly. If any of you want to tell a story, share some wisdom or discuss something that's important to you, then send by email and I'll add it. Yes, I know how busy you all are, but sometimes it's good to take some time out just for you.

Tick-tock

Talking of time, have you ever really wondered where it goes? We never seem to have enough of it? But is that a fact or an illusion? Do you remember as a child that a day seemed to last forever and the year from one birthday to the next seemed like eternity? Now a day is like a couple of minutes, in comparison. It flies, it disappears, hurry, hurry, hurry from one thing to the next, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, no time to say hello, must fly. So what's changed? Has time really sped up as we've got older, or are we doing it to ourselves?

Do you ever notice that while you are doing one thing you are usually thinking about something else? Thinking about something that needs doing tomorrow or next week? Or fixing yesterday’s problem? Our mind is continually busy in the future or the past and rarely pays full attention to now. We are so proud of our female ability to multi task but has it actually robbed us of living time? Think about it, how much time do you spend totally present in your life right now?

When we were children, tomorrow didn't matter. The present moment was everything and it held our focused attention and fascination. Remember that glorious feeling? I've been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of years and looking at ways of getting that child time back into my life. Along the way I’ve discovered a few really simple tools and techniques that not only slow my perception of time down, but also really helped in other ways. The one below is what I call my "walking, waking meditation" adapted from Lynne McTaggart's book "The Intention Experiment". Please try it, I think you'll be amazed by how it works and imagine just how much more you can get done when you learn how to slow down time.

Read through the following before you begin:

• Walk away from the computer and look around you. Really look but do NOT form opinions, just experience your surroundings as if for the first time.

• Describe to yourself what you see; the colour and texture of the walls, the floor, the furniture, the people. What are they wearing, what fabric? Describe their features. If there is a mark or blemishes you haven't noticed before in your environment, describe the shape of the mark, touch it, how does it feel? DO NOT THINK ABOUT FIXING IT. No opinions, just let things be as they are.

• What does it smell like around you. Smell the air? Describe it to yourself as you are doing it. Can you taste it?

• What does the energy around you feel like, where do you feel it? Tell yourself.

• What can you hear - really listen, close your eyes, can you feel the vibration of the sound?

That's the general idea, sometimes it helps to say it out loud to keep focused. Every time your mind starts to drift, bring it back repeat something over and over till you have it back. Just stay in the moment for as long as you can.

You can do this any place, any time and you can take it with you wherever you go and it’s free. Not only will it calm you, but you'll notice things that you never have before, even in a very familiar environment. I find it really helpful to still and clear my mind while I’m travelling to and from work or need a relaxing short break away from my desk. At other times it helps keep things in perspective as well as keeping panic and anxiety at bay. I had a breast cancer scare recently (I’m fine, thank goodness) and this simple technique kept me clam and positive in the days between being recalled and attending my follow up tests. As soon as my mind started to race to the “what ifs” I could stop it from going “there”. I kept myself firmly rooted in the now because “there” is not known. There hasn’t happened yet. There can be dealt with if it becomes now. This moment is all the life I have. This moment is my eternity and I’m not going to waste a minute of it.

Please give it a try and let us all know how you get on.

Lots of love xxxx

Baby steps

“Today, those of us who choose to name ourselves Crone do so to raise consciousness around issues of aging. Paradoxically, at the beginning of the 21st century, the ancient Wise Woman Crone archetype is emerging within women all over the world. We are beginning to realize that this third and crowning stage of female life (the one our culture throws away) is more authentic, creative, outrageous, powerful, funny, healing and profound than we ever imagined.” Helen Redman, Birthing the Crone http://www.birthingthecrone.com/

Hello my friends

Over the last few years I have been changing - a lot. I'm undergoing a metamorphosis; the skin on my hands is slowly softening and my hair is turning grey. I can’t tell you a whole lot about how my face is behaving as my eye sight is fading - is that a blessing? A voice out there tells me I should be doing all I can to stop this march of time on my body, but an even stronger one inside me says it’s rather beautiful, go with it. I feel a type of serenity that I’ve never known before, deep happiness and quiet confidence. If this is growing older – bring it on I say.

I did fight it in the beginning, with the first sign of a hot flush or flash (what's the difference?) I marched off to the doctor and demanded HRT. Bugger the problems it might bring with it tomorrow, I wanted to stay young today. I dyed and straightened and highlighted my hair and I NEVER told anyone my real age. Underwire push up bra’s, horrible tight elastic knickers and “body moulding” clothes became my fashion accessories. I attacked my changing body with an arsenal of chemicals and to be honest none of them really worked.My mind was in a state of constant confusion, which of course I put down to age, concentration levels were low and worries about getting old and becoming useless were high. I was agitated and hyper and it was so much hard work just trying so bloody hard to keep up. I got ill.

Shortly before I turned 50, while focusing on getting better, something changed inside me. I looked around and realised how lucky I was, how much I was loved. My children, my soon to be husband, family and friends didn’t love me for my external image – they loved me for the essence of who I am. Wasn't that what I should be concentrating on? I started nurturing rather than fighting who I was becoming. I started exploring just who I could be.

Over time it has dawned on me that this change, this change of life, is not an ending, it is a brand new beginning. I have entered the third stage of my life and just like starting anything new, you start in the baby class. I have suddenly become one of the youngest members in my group and I have a very long way to go before graduation. Everything is relative - it just depends on the perspective from which you view it.

So I am becoming a crone - an apprentice crone I am, I am. Since deciding to consciously take those first few steps on this road, I have been on the most incredible journey of discovery. In my 50th year I got married, became a grandmother and embarked on a career change. My dreams are bigger and better than they have ever been and I am on track to achieve them. I feel fantastic. I love my life.

I still use potions to nourish my skin and wear make up when I feel like it. But I care more about nourishing my mind and feeding my soul. I take time to smell the roses, I talk to trees and I walk in wet grass with bare feet. And strangely enough, I achieve more.

Through this blog I hope we can share our experiences and perhaps give each other a little bit of advice and encouragement as we tip toe into the third phase of our lives. I'm hoping that you will help me discover my outrageous self (I like that one best) and that I will be able to return the favour.

With all my love and blessings to my fellow apprentices.